Good Stuff

There's lots of good stuff going on right now. Lots of ideas have been tossed around, and people are really excited about them. I'm praying they come to fruition this time.

I always get disappointed when passionate people can't figure out how to make their ideas turn into realities. It's not necessarily their fault; sometimes we need help making things happen; sometimes we don't know where to start. But I always hope that these ideas will turn into reality because it seems like it gives people great joy.

So my goal for this week: make something happen.

Back to School

I need a way to make sense of the fragmented thoughts floating around in my head right now. I sat down to write a blog about them, hoping that would help.

It didn't.

My URL: Steps That Save

In case you were wondering where I got the idea for my URL....CS Lewis. For those of who know me, that's no surprise. Here are the two quotes that really led me to it.

We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive. 

What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step. 

It's all about trust and moving forward. I like that.

Memories

Just when I thought I was making real, significant progress in my life, I stumble upon a journal entry from two and a half years ago. Turns out, I'm having the exact same thoughts now as I was back then. So if progress has been made, it has been minimal. But, hey, progress is progress, right?

I'm trying this new thing where I try to see the positive in every situation. I used to think I did that. And to a certain extent, I did, but I limited my positive outlook to situations that involved and affected other people. I wasn't turning my outlook on situations inward, to apply to my own individual struggles. But I have been working on that this semester. And I believe I have made some progress, which, as I said earlier, is still progress so I'll take it.

I suppose I'm disappointed with the fact that I haven't found some magical fix. After many failed attempts, I end up where I started (proven by the old journal entry). I know this is where I'm supposed to be inspired by some quote about perseverance, but that's not going to work. I need to make an intrinsic change, and I'm not sure how to go about doing it. I know it takes baby steps, and I've been taking them, but I wish the process would speed up. I'm sick of being unhappy.

I'd like to point out that when I say I'm unhappy, I don't mean I'm miserable. I just mean I'm not happy. I'm kind of neutral on life right now. There are some really cool things happening, but at the same time I feel opportunities are flashing past me and I don't know how to take advantage of them before it's too late.

Really, it should be a very simple process. I see something I want, and I go after it. But somehow, somewhere along the lines, I lost sight of how to do that. I've grown afraid of failure (and success for that matter), of passion, of closeness. Because in my short life, I've been taught (by experiences) that those things won't get you anywhere. It doesn't matter how successful I am or how passionate I am, I continue to drive people away. And while I appreciate my own successes, it would be nice to have someone to share them with.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, and with that comes a lot of thinking. I would love to go sit on a beach with someone and discuss all sorts of things. But I'm scared. That's really what it comes down to, isn't it? I'm scared. I think a lot of people are. I wonder what would happen if I just threw my fears aside and asked the one person I wish I could talk to right now to come have a conversation with me. I'm sure that person would listen, but would that person ever be willing to come back for another conversation? Not only willing, but wanting? Would that person--does that person want to talk to me as well? I recently heard that we are only born with two fears: the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. Every other fear is learned. That implies that every other fear can be unlearned. So I guess that's what I'm working on: unlearning all my fears.

Like I said, I have lots of disjointed thoughts...

Disjointed Thoughts

Disjointed thoughts. I seem to have a lot of those. They seemingly have nothing to do with each other, but they have to be related somehow. After all, they all come from me. Anyway, I need a place for all these broken ideas. They often come at inconvenient times. I can't just call someone up and have a conversation about what's going on in my head because it's two in the morning, or during class, or some other obstacle is in the way. I also don't have the nerve to strike up a conversation, though I desperately want to have one. So, I took to blogging. This way, people can choose to read my thoughts instead of having to painfully sit through me yapping. And they can respond at their convenience. Or they can completely ignore this, which is just as well. Hopefully I get some responses though. So, prepare to be bombarded with a few posts in the very near future (probably within the hour) as I have a lot to say right now. :)