Just when I thought I was making real, significant progress in my life, I stumble upon a journal entry from two and a half years ago. Turns out, I'm having the exact same thoughts now as I was back then. So if progress has been made, it has been minimal. But, hey, progress is progress, right?
I'm trying this new thing where I try to see the positive in every situation. I used to think I did that. And to a certain extent, I did, but I limited my positive outlook to situations that involved and affected other people. I wasn't turning my outlook on situations inward, to apply to my own individual struggles. But I have been working on that this semester. And I believe I have made some progress, which, as I said earlier, is still progress so I'll take it.
I suppose I'm disappointed with the fact that I haven't found some magical fix. After many failed attempts, I end up where I started (proven by the old journal entry). I know this is where I'm supposed to be inspired by some quote about perseverance, but that's not going to work. I need to make an intrinsic change, and I'm not sure how to go about doing it. I know it takes baby steps, and I've been taking them, but I wish the process would speed up. I'm sick of being unhappy.
I'd like to point out that when I say I'm unhappy, I don't mean I'm miserable. I just mean I'm not happy. I'm kind of neutral on life right now. There are some really cool things happening, but at the same time I feel opportunities are flashing past me and I don't know how to take advantage of them before it's too late.
Really, it should be a very simple process. I see something I want, and I go after it. But somehow, somewhere along the lines, I lost sight of how to do that. I've grown afraid of failure (and success for that matter), of passion, of closeness. Because in my short life, I've been taught (by experiences) that those things won't get you anywhere. It doesn't matter how successful I am or how passionate I am, I continue to drive people away. And while I appreciate my own successes, it would be nice to have someone to share them with.
I've been doing a lot of reading lately, and with that comes a lot of thinking. I would love to go sit on a beach with someone and discuss all sorts of things. But I'm scared. That's really what it comes down to, isn't it? I'm scared. I think a lot of people are. I wonder what would happen if I just threw my fears aside and asked the one person I wish I could talk to right now to come have a conversation with me. I'm sure that person would listen, but would that person ever be willing to come back for another conversation? Not only willing, but wanting? Would that person--does that person want to talk to me as well? I recently heard that we are only born with two fears: the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. Every other fear is learned. That implies that every other fear can be unlearned. So I guess that's what I'm working on: unlearning all my fears.
Like I said, I have lots of disjointed thoughts...
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Hey cuz. So these thoughts may not be very timely seeing as how this post is from the beginning of the year and I just found your blog yesterday, but this struck a chord with me so I thought I'd say something.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I LOVE what you have to say about unlearning fears. I know in my life I've often struggled with the idea that those things are part of my identity rather than something that can be unlearned. I think being able to know truth about fear is key to making forward progress against it.
Second, as you may have been able to see in reading my blog over the years, that struggle of feeling like I'm running around in circles is something I am no stranger to. One thing I would consider when you feel like this is that while yes, there may be times where you find yourself feeling like you're back where you started, you are in a unique position every time you arrive at that crossroads. It's all about perspective. You're a different person, with a newer, larger library of experience to draw from as you try to feel your way through that juncture. Sometimes (though probably not everytime) I think God leads us back to those places because the truth is, we weren't ready to move past it the first time (or the second, third, fourth times in my case. lol).
I'll try not to go on too much longer as long-windedness seems to be a personal gift of mine but I will end on this. Perspective changes everything. As you live life, you gain perspective and I think through that God enables us to move forward, or at the very least, when you have moved forward, to be able to see why it took so long. That's what I've seen in my life this year as I finally seem to find myself moving forward.