I'm About to Let Go

I want to create something bigger than myself, something that isn't selfish. Although saying I want something bigger sounds a bit selfish, but that's now how I mean it.

I have this passion inside of me, and it's difficult to describe. It's like I'm bursting with this lightness, but since I have so much of it, it's heavy. I realize it's a paradox and it probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me. My point is, I want to share it. I want other people to experience it. If I can give even a fraction of it away to any given person...that would just be awesome. I guess what I really want is to create something beyond myself. Whether I accomplish this through performing, writing, teaching, or simple conversation I really don't care. I just need to DO something.

And I don't want to wait around for the opportunity to do it. And I don't think I have to create my own opportunity either. I am 100% positive that God has put multiple opportunities in my path, and I'm too oblivious (or proud) to see them. I need to stop talking about opening up my eyes, and actually do it.

So the next step is to get all the stuff that needs doing done so that I can fully devote myself to changing people's lives. I also have a feeling that this will help with all the stress I've been feeling lately. That also seems like a paradox, but I have this feeling that it'll all work out. In fact, this feeling is so strong I feel confident in saying it's an assurance from God. I'm letting go now and leaving it in Your hands. I'm ready for you to push and pull me in the right direction. I am Yours.

The Weekend

This weekend was Winterfest, a high school retreat hosted by members of Lutheran Campus Ministries at NAU. I learned a lot about myself and the way I handle situations, and grew to be more open towards varying perspectives with regards to things beyond religion. I also realized what I could have done differently as President of Band Council in high school.

Great as the weekend was, it just ended in a great big ball of mess. I think I hurt someone I really care about, I overstepped my boundaries, I snapped at people, I got frustrated, I forgot to pick up my medication so now I have to wake up at 5 to get it in my system on time, I have a ton of homework left to do, and to top it all off...I have no one to comfort me. I just need some one-on-one together time with a close friend. At this point, I don't really care who, just as long as they're willing to let me talk about everything.

I'm really hoping my outlook on the weekend improves when the crappy ending isn't so fresh in my mind and I've gotten enough sleep so I'm less irritable. I grew closer to a lot of people this weekend, and that was awesome. I also had a great conversation with God.

But right now, I'm on the verge of tears. I just need to get through this. And as I think about exactly what "this" is and how long it will last, I grow more hopeless. So I think I'm just going to say I need to get through tomorrow. That's step one.

Who Does Prayer Benefit?

Before I delve into the topic of this post, a side note; I just realized all of my posts have been on Mondays. Time to break the mold...

Tonight at the ROAD, we discussed prayer. At some point, Katie and I got to wondering whether or not prayer benefits God. Unfortunately, we weren't able to fully enter into this issue, but it got me thinking. Now, I'm going to develop my thoughts. Hopefully you can follow along.

I used to be under the impression that we pray for our own benefit. God already knows what's on our hearts and minds; He already knows what we're planning on saying in prayer. So I thought, God doesn't actually benefit from us praying because He knows what we're going to say before we even think it. And then, Katie asked "What if He does benefit?"

Woah! What a thought! I know it sounds closed-minded to say that I never considered that before, but I really hadn't. And this one simple idea, that us praying actually benefits God, lit up the switchboards in my brain like a wildfire. This one simple question seemed to incorporate all things Christianity. Forgive me if the following seems a bit disorganized, but my thoughts on this matter are somewhat interconnected. Stick with me.

We're given free will by God, or so we believe. In actuality, we don't know anything about God. We just believe things. But there's no certainty around God in life on earth. Only if and when we get to heaven will we have questions answered. And even then, maybe our questions remain unanswered. We don't even know if there is a heaven. Wrap your head around all of that. We don't actually know anything about God. We don't even know if He exists. But that's what makes our faith so cool. Anyway, we're given free will. That means we can choose to believe or not believe in God; we can actively choose to pray or not.

When we pray, I think it benefits us as people. It's a time where we acknowledge what's going on in our lives, our community, and our world. It's a moment to take a deep breath and simply be. There are prayers of thanks, of sorrow, of desperation, of joy. Every type of prayer, I believe, is just as sacred as the next. I also think God hears all of our prayers, and He answers all of our prayers. Often, people say "My prayers went unanswered." Maybe God just said, "No." I also don't think God answers most prayers in the way we want or expect Him. It's kind of like when you're frantically looking for something that you're already holding in your hand. Maybe you just don't recognize the answer. Maybe you're too busy searching instead of waiting. That's not to say that you should take on a passive role in your life and hope God will do everything for you. But sometimes it's good just to be patient, or just to be.


Here's my response to another blog on prayer from September of 2009:

When I am sitting in class and the teacher is giving a lecture, it's extremely easy to tune out and not pay attention. Her voice becomes a comforting lullaby, luring me to sleep. I can hear what she is saying, but I'm not listening. Wouldn't this lecture be more effective if I were to engage in the lesson by answering the questions my teacher is asking and asking my own questions along the way? 

That's what prayer does for me. It allows me to listen actively to what God is asking me to do, and in turn I can ask questions. Does God already know what I'm going to ask? Of course. But it makes it easier to hear the answer when I consciously pose the question. 

Not everyone needs to do this. Some people are so aware of God, so in tune with him, that they don't need to pray in the conventional sense of the word. I think in these cases, prayer becomes a way of life. Every minute that we're aware of God's presence is like a prayer because sometimes thinking of God is enough. 



Alright, I think that's enough on the point of how prayer is beneficial to us humans. But how is it beneficial to God? Does it make feel God feel good when we pray? After thinking about it, I'd like to say yes. I don't think He needs us to pray, but I think He probably enjoys it. It comes back to the whole free will thing. If we really have free will, then God doesn't know exactly what we're going to do all the time. Maybe He knows a split second (or whatever the equivalent of that would be in God to human ratio) before we actually make the decision, but I think there's some suspense there. He's hoping we take a certain path, but we have the choice to wander in a different direction. In taking that approach to everything we do, I don't think we  can view prayer any differently. 


We're given the choice to pray. Even if God knows what we're going to pray about, when we actually engage in prayer, whatever that may be, I hope it makes Him smile. Even if He knows that we love Him, I think it's probably way better to hear it straight from us. I have to liken this to a parent-child relationship. Many parents know their children love them even if it isn't said often enough. But when a child vocalizes that love, it means something. It expresses intimacy, honesty, and trust. 


So maybe when we pray, we're affirming our faith in God; we're choosing to be open and honest with Him, and to trust that our words are heard. It also makes it clear that we haven't forgotten about God. And we learn from the Bible that God isn't too fond of people who forget Him (think the great flood). A friend of mine holds the idea that breathing can act as prayer, and I wholeheartedly agree. There's a catch though; you have to be aware of your breathing. Breathing is second nature. Logic follows that breathing prayer will become second nature. Eventually loving God will become second nature, as it should be. 


I'm going to try to be more aware of how I pray and why I'm praying. 
I'm going to start with a simple breath.