The Beauty of the Noise

You know, some people don’t like contemporary music. Okay, a lot of people don’t like contemporary music. I remember Drew saying, “When people tell me they don’t particularly care for a certain style of music, the first thing I ask them is why, and a lot of times they don’t have an answer.” But I think I’ve found it.

Because it’s uncomfortable. Because we can’t predict the suspensions and resolutions. Because the chord structures are unfamiliar. And that takes me back to Drew’s piece, “Or Grey”. It’s all about paradoxes and how we find comfort in patterns, even though patterns are awkward.

And it turns into a bigger idea—one that can be applied to life. There’s a saying “Art imitates life”, but maybe a better saying is “Art informs life”.

In discovering a new style of music, I’m forced to try something I’m not entirely comfortable with. It doesn’t have the mezzo de voce I expect; it has a mezzo de voce with a new spin. Because glass bottles and pieces of plastic and old cans are being used as musical instruments. And why shouldn’t they be? Why shouldn’t we find the music in everyday things? Why shouldn’t we try to extract meaning from seemingly mundane objects?

Why shouldn’t we dive in and try something new? Why shouldn’t we use visual scores? Why shouldn’t we improvise?

Isn’t that what life is about? Going with the flow doesn’t necessarily mean following the crowd. It means taking each situation as it comes, adapting to it, and making the most of it. In short, improvising.

So art should inform life.

We’re scared to try new things, to move to a different place, to taste new food, to experiment in the kitchen, to go out on a limb and tell someone how you really feel.

None of this is to say that “classical” music (meaning music as most of us know and recognize it) does not have its place or isn’t beautiful. I’m just saying…just because we find beauty in the Ancient Pyramids, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t build architectural wonders for our own day and age.

Don’t be afraid to explore, particularly if the thing you’re exploring is your career or passion. Never assume you have all the answers. Never assume there is one correct way to attack anything. Don’t be afraid to dance without choreography. Don’t always plan out your next move.

Don’t keep everything so compartmentalized. Allow yourself to be informed by everything around you, and open your eyes to the beauty of the noise.

It's been a while...

I haven't posted anything in a long time for good reason; I like chronology. Over the summer, I was handwriting all of my thoughts. I was reading great books and having awesome thought bursts and enjoying my mornings at a small coffee shop in the same plaza as my place of work. It was amazing. A peaceful, contemplative summer like no other. I was excited to reread my thoughts, make some sense of them, and post them on this blog at the end of the summer. But the unthinkable happened. I lost my notebook. It's highly upsetting because I came to some life-altering realizations in there, and now they're gone. You may ask, "If they were so life-altering why can't you remember them?" Good question. The thing is, I came to them in very specific moments, and I'd like those thoughts back. Hopefully that notebook is just hiding in the depths of my room in Phoenix. I really want to find it. 


But today, I wrote something I think is worth sharing. So I'm throwing chronology to the wind! If and when I find my notebook, I'll make those posts. In the meantime though...






Last night I finished co-writing a script for a show my church in Flagstaff is putting on. Its completion had me thinking about all story lines I had thought of throughout the process that didn't make the final cut--or the first cut for that matter. It in turn got me thinking about creativity in general and how we tend to stifle it, both in ourselves and in others, and sometimes on a subconscious level. After I had written this, I came across an entrance by the person I had co-written with, and I wrote something else. It started off as a reply to what he had written, then morphed into a conversation with myself, which then turned into an address to all creative people everywhere. In no way am I presuming that I have all the answers, or any of the answers. Nonetheless, here is what I wrote:

Maybe the solution is finding a balance between the two. Who says you have to return fully to the “real world” and leave your writing behind? Unless the depravity is what fuels your creativity, I see no reason to keep the two exclusive of each other. Writing, or any creative work for that matter, becomes lonely when we allow our entire selves to be consumed by it. Not to say that we shouldn’t give our writing the love and attention it deserves. We should have periods where we are so consumed by our work that we hardly have time to notice what’s going on around us. It’s an unstoppable force when that happens. But when we do surface for air, I don’t think we should leave our creative fire behind. We should reenter the real world with newfound creativity and passion, better able to see the beauty in the world which grants us our inspiration. Our art is an essential part of us; to deny that part while we’re in the “real world” is to live a fractured life. I’ve never heard anyone say, “You know what? I’m just too whole. I should remove some aspects of my life that make me happy.” No one says that. People always say, “I feel unfulfilled” or “Something’s missing”. The solution is quite simple—do what you love. If you love to write, then do it. I don’t want to hear “It’s not that easy” because it really is that easy. If you know what you love, then do it. The only thing standing in your way is your own convoluted ideas about what you’re supposed to be doing. Throw those out the window, and do what you actually love. And don’t try to separate what you love from “reality”, because what you love is your reality. Yeah, we all have additional obligations, but you can’t hide the biggest part of yourself from everyone else. You’ll never be happy if you do that. Whatever you do, do not separate your passion from what you consider to be the “real” world. Find a way to meld the two, and I’m sure that everything else will fall into place. Not "everything will fall into your lap", but it will fall into place.

"Forgive them, Father; they know not what they do."

I've always taken this statement by Christ to mean, "Forgive them for condemning me to death. They don't understand that I'm meant to help them."

Today, I realized how much further this statement reaches; "Forgive them for all of their sins. They don't even realize that they sin sometimes, but forgive them anyway. Just because they don't realize how much they've screwed up, they still need forgiveness." It goes beyond condemning Jesus to death; it spans across everything we do.

Maybe I was supposed to figure that out a long time ago, but it just hit me today. And that is really...awesome. Forgive me for my lack of eloquence, but it's true. How awesome that we get to be forgiven even though we don't deserve it or recognize that we've done something that merits forgiveness.

God is so cool!

San Francisco Journal Entries: Part One

Last night was an incredible experience--something I will never forget. We had the opportunity to participate in St. Mark's Lutheran Church's Night Ministry. A group of priests walk the streets from 10 pm to 4 am and talk to people. To anyone. The homeless, gay, poor, wealthy, sick. They're mission is to be a presence in the community.

I was in a group with Leiana, Cassie, and David. The priest we were paired with was Monique. She is Superwoman. In the car ride, we learned that she is a single mother of two, with an 18 year old daughter and a 13 year old son. She goes to bed at five in the morning and is up at six. We went to a district called the Mission, where the community is mostly Latino or Black. We stepped out of the car carrying blankets and immediately were approached.

The first man we met was Mike. He asked for a blanket, we gave him one, and I turned to cross the street, forgetting that we were there to converse with people like Mike. I forgot that our destination wasn't our primary goal. We spoke with him for a quite a while and learned that he had just been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and was preparing to go on disability. He wasn't homeless, but wasn't sure how much longer he would be able to stay off the streets. His girlfriend lives in Berkley, but his doctors are in San Francisco so he travels between the two. Monique gave him some money, I'm not sure how much, to pay for the bus fare. I could tell that was an unusual practice, but she apparently felt comfortable giving some to Mike.

As our conversation was wrapping up (we passed out a few more blankets while speaking with him), an older gentleman, claiming to be 70, asked if he could have the last part of Mike's cigarette. Mike obliged. Monique asked the newcomer what his name was and he replied, "Tonight, it's Jesus Christ." He walked with us as we crossed the street. He mostly spoke to me about who knows what. It was obvious he had a mental disability of some kind, and most of what he said made no sense.

We were about half way up the block when we met Wally and Joe (or was it Willy?). Neither of them were homeless, but they were on the street selling shoes and purses. Monique had an established relationship with them, and that was cool to see.

All of a sudden, we hard a popping like a fire cracker coming from the direction we had met Mike. Monique and Wally (I'm pretty sure it was Wally) talked about whether or not we had heard fireworks or gunshots. Monique thought it was a shooting while Wally and I tried to convince ourselves it was fireworks. Then we heard the sirens.

Monique started running from whence we came, towards the shots, and we followed. Three or four people down, a shooter had entered a bar with a machine gun and opened fire before running down an alley. Monique actually saw bodies. I stayed away from the door knowing the images would haunt me forever.

The police started setting up a line and asking us to move back. The four of us did so while keeping Monique in view. She was waiting to see how she could help. Later on she would tell us that sometimes police officers see the collar and let her under the line. That wasn't the case tonight. One police officer started yelling at her and threatening arrest. She remained calm and did not back down. She was standing with the mother of one of the victims. She didn't speak English and the officers didn't speak Spanish, so Monique translated and was finally able to get the mother to her son.

We later saw that woman enter an ambulance with her son. We still do not know if anyone was killed. Apparently this was a gang shooting between the Nortenos and the Surenos (Northerners and Southerners). Some people were scared and shaking, some were trying to get inside the crime scene, and some were just quietly observing. I was calm, not processing exactly what had happened. We stayed at the crime scene for at least an hour, if not two. Once everyone had cleared out, we continued on.

At the end of the block we found a man puking up his guts and blood. Monique had us stay back while she gave the man a tissue to clean up. The interchange was brief, but impactful.

We continued down the road and stopped outside a hotel. Monique told us there had been a homicide there recently. She knew the victim and spoke with her sobbing husband outside the night of the murder.

We walked past an alley and saw a man about halfway up. I thought he was holding a gun. It was an umbrella. I heard a loud pop and thought it was gunfire. It was a car driving over a manhole cover. I was on edge for the rest of the night.

Monique took us to Francisco's, a taqueria stand and bought all of us tacos. I had never tasted anything so good, and it was steak. I hate steak. I think I was just glad to have something familiar. It reminded me of Mexico. Monique spoke in Spanish with the people there, and I was able to understand everything, which was exciting. The next time she spoke Spanish with someone, I translated for the group.

By the time we finished our loop, the cops were starting to leave. I was struck by the fact that the club next to the bar in which the shooting occurred was business as usual. I can't imagine living in a place where shootings are the norm.

Later on, it dawned on us just how God had saved us from being in the line of fire. Monique just had a feeling at the last second to park somewhere else and to head a different direction than usual. She said she always listens to those feelings. Thank God.

We ended the night in the Castro, a very happy place. It's the LGTB district of San Fran. We were only there for ten or twenty minutes, but it was a good way to end the night. I was told by a stranger, "Honey, you're beautiful. Smile more, it'll make you happy." Simple words, but a nice reminder nonetheless.

When we got back to the hostel I started processing what had happened, and went into physical shock. Jonny sat up with me while I just kind of stared into space, not saying much, and shaking. Eventually I came out of it and we talked about other things. We were up until four. Jonny's kind of awesome.

The experience is one I will never forget. Monique is one of the strongest people I know. I learned so much from her. I'm still not extremely sure what to do with the whole experience, but I'm glad I had it. There's a reason I was in that group. I may never know exactly what it is, but I'm sure I will use it later on in life. Again, not sure how, but that's kind of...exciting, isn't it?

I Can Do This

I just watched Waiting for Superman, a documentary about the education system in the U.S. I cried quite a bit. Even as I'm writing this, my vision is blurred. Everyone should see this film, even if they aren't going into education. Most people will be parents one day, and this applies to parents, students, and teachers alike.

I'm so glad I was able to see this film because it reminded me why I'm becoming a teacher. I've been having some doubts about my career choice of late, largely due to the Education Foundations class I'm taking this semester. We've been talking about how the system is broken and one person can't change it. It's all been rather depressing. I know my professor is showing us the worst aspects of the education system to make a point, but it is nonetheless discouraging. I began to feel that it would be impossible for me to impact kids' lives. I started wondering if I should drop the education aspect of my major and work in a museum.

This film showed me why I have to be a teacher. It affirmed my belief that this is something God is calling me to do. It's not just something I'm passionate about, it's my everything. Teaching is how I'm going to make my mark on this world. And I don't need to make one to feel significant, I need to make one to be sure that I fulfilled a purpose. And my purpose is teaching. There is no longer any doubt in my mind. And I am grateful for that, because I've been having a lot of doubts about myself lately. But now I know...I have the strength of God behind me, so of course I have the strength to say "No" to the naysayers. I have the strength to fight for my students. I have the strength to change things.

I'm About to Let Go

I want to create something bigger than myself, something that isn't selfish. Although saying I want something bigger sounds a bit selfish, but that's now how I mean it.

I have this passion inside of me, and it's difficult to describe. It's like I'm bursting with this lightness, but since I have so much of it, it's heavy. I realize it's a paradox and it probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me. My point is, I want to share it. I want other people to experience it. If I can give even a fraction of it away to any given person...that would just be awesome. I guess what I really want is to create something beyond myself. Whether I accomplish this through performing, writing, teaching, or simple conversation I really don't care. I just need to DO something.

And I don't want to wait around for the opportunity to do it. And I don't think I have to create my own opportunity either. I am 100% positive that God has put multiple opportunities in my path, and I'm too oblivious (or proud) to see them. I need to stop talking about opening up my eyes, and actually do it.

So the next step is to get all the stuff that needs doing done so that I can fully devote myself to changing people's lives. I also have a feeling that this will help with all the stress I've been feeling lately. That also seems like a paradox, but I have this feeling that it'll all work out. In fact, this feeling is so strong I feel confident in saying it's an assurance from God. I'm letting go now and leaving it in Your hands. I'm ready for you to push and pull me in the right direction. I am Yours.

The Weekend

This weekend was Winterfest, a high school retreat hosted by members of Lutheran Campus Ministries at NAU. I learned a lot about myself and the way I handle situations, and grew to be more open towards varying perspectives with regards to things beyond religion. I also realized what I could have done differently as President of Band Council in high school.

Great as the weekend was, it just ended in a great big ball of mess. I think I hurt someone I really care about, I overstepped my boundaries, I snapped at people, I got frustrated, I forgot to pick up my medication so now I have to wake up at 5 to get it in my system on time, I have a ton of homework left to do, and to top it all off...I have no one to comfort me. I just need some one-on-one together time with a close friend. At this point, I don't really care who, just as long as they're willing to let me talk about everything.

I'm really hoping my outlook on the weekend improves when the crappy ending isn't so fresh in my mind and I've gotten enough sleep so I'm less irritable. I grew closer to a lot of people this weekend, and that was awesome. I also had a great conversation with God.

But right now, I'm on the verge of tears. I just need to get through this. And as I think about exactly what "this" is and how long it will last, I grow more hopeless. So I think I'm just going to say I need to get through tomorrow. That's step one.

Who Does Prayer Benefit?

Before I delve into the topic of this post, a side note; I just realized all of my posts have been on Mondays. Time to break the mold...

Tonight at the ROAD, we discussed prayer. At some point, Katie and I got to wondering whether or not prayer benefits God. Unfortunately, we weren't able to fully enter into this issue, but it got me thinking. Now, I'm going to develop my thoughts. Hopefully you can follow along.

I used to be under the impression that we pray for our own benefit. God already knows what's on our hearts and minds; He already knows what we're planning on saying in prayer. So I thought, God doesn't actually benefit from us praying because He knows what we're going to say before we even think it. And then, Katie asked "What if He does benefit?"

Woah! What a thought! I know it sounds closed-minded to say that I never considered that before, but I really hadn't. And this one simple idea, that us praying actually benefits God, lit up the switchboards in my brain like a wildfire. This one simple question seemed to incorporate all things Christianity. Forgive me if the following seems a bit disorganized, but my thoughts on this matter are somewhat interconnected. Stick with me.

We're given free will by God, or so we believe. In actuality, we don't know anything about God. We just believe things. But there's no certainty around God in life on earth. Only if and when we get to heaven will we have questions answered. And even then, maybe our questions remain unanswered. We don't even know if there is a heaven. Wrap your head around all of that. We don't actually know anything about God. We don't even know if He exists. But that's what makes our faith so cool. Anyway, we're given free will. That means we can choose to believe or not believe in God; we can actively choose to pray or not.

When we pray, I think it benefits us as people. It's a time where we acknowledge what's going on in our lives, our community, and our world. It's a moment to take a deep breath and simply be. There are prayers of thanks, of sorrow, of desperation, of joy. Every type of prayer, I believe, is just as sacred as the next. I also think God hears all of our prayers, and He answers all of our prayers. Often, people say "My prayers went unanswered." Maybe God just said, "No." I also don't think God answers most prayers in the way we want or expect Him. It's kind of like when you're frantically looking for something that you're already holding in your hand. Maybe you just don't recognize the answer. Maybe you're too busy searching instead of waiting. That's not to say that you should take on a passive role in your life and hope God will do everything for you. But sometimes it's good just to be patient, or just to be.


Here's my response to another blog on prayer from September of 2009:

When I am sitting in class and the teacher is giving a lecture, it's extremely easy to tune out and not pay attention. Her voice becomes a comforting lullaby, luring me to sleep. I can hear what she is saying, but I'm not listening. Wouldn't this lecture be more effective if I were to engage in the lesson by answering the questions my teacher is asking and asking my own questions along the way? 

That's what prayer does for me. It allows me to listen actively to what God is asking me to do, and in turn I can ask questions. Does God already know what I'm going to ask? Of course. But it makes it easier to hear the answer when I consciously pose the question. 

Not everyone needs to do this. Some people are so aware of God, so in tune with him, that they don't need to pray in the conventional sense of the word. I think in these cases, prayer becomes a way of life. Every minute that we're aware of God's presence is like a prayer because sometimes thinking of God is enough. 



Alright, I think that's enough on the point of how prayer is beneficial to us humans. But how is it beneficial to God? Does it make feel God feel good when we pray? After thinking about it, I'd like to say yes. I don't think He needs us to pray, but I think He probably enjoys it. It comes back to the whole free will thing. If we really have free will, then God doesn't know exactly what we're going to do all the time. Maybe He knows a split second (or whatever the equivalent of that would be in God to human ratio) before we actually make the decision, but I think there's some suspense there. He's hoping we take a certain path, but we have the choice to wander in a different direction. In taking that approach to everything we do, I don't think we  can view prayer any differently. 


We're given the choice to pray. Even if God knows what we're going to pray about, when we actually engage in prayer, whatever that may be, I hope it makes Him smile. Even if He knows that we love Him, I think it's probably way better to hear it straight from us. I have to liken this to a parent-child relationship. Many parents know their children love them even if it isn't said often enough. But when a child vocalizes that love, it means something. It expresses intimacy, honesty, and trust. 


So maybe when we pray, we're affirming our faith in God; we're choosing to be open and honest with Him, and to trust that our words are heard. It also makes it clear that we haven't forgotten about God. And we learn from the Bible that God isn't too fond of people who forget Him (think the great flood). A friend of mine holds the idea that breathing can act as prayer, and I wholeheartedly agree. There's a catch though; you have to be aware of your breathing. Breathing is second nature. Logic follows that breathing prayer will become second nature. Eventually loving God will become second nature, as it should be. 


I'm going to try to be more aware of how I pray and why I'm praying. 
I'm going to start with a simple breath.

Good Stuff

There's lots of good stuff going on right now. Lots of ideas have been tossed around, and people are really excited about them. I'm praying they come to fruition this time.

I always get disappointed when passionate people can't figure out how to make their ideas turn into realities. It's not necessarily their fault; sometimes we need help making things happen; sometimes we don't know where to start. But I always hope that these ideas will turn into reality because it seems like it gives people great joy.

So my goal for this week: make something happen.

Back to School

I need a way to make sense of the fragmented thoughts floating around in my head right now. I sat down to write a blog about them, hoping that would help.

It didn't.

My URL: Steps That Save

In case you were wondering where I got the idea for my URL....CS Lewis. For those of who know me, that's no surprise. Here are the two quotes that really led me to it.

We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive. 

What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step. 

It's all about trust and moving forward. I like that.

Memories

Just when I thought I was making real, significant progress in my life, I stumble upon a journal entry from two and a half years ago. Turns out, I'm having the exact same thoughts now as I was back then. So if progress has been made, it has been minimal. But, hey, progress is progress, right?

I'm trying this new thing where I try to see the positive in every situation. I used to think I did that. And to a certain extent, I did, but I limited my positive outlook to situations that involved and affected other people. I wasn't turning my outlook on situations inward, to apply to my own individual struggles. But I have been working on that this semester. And I believe I have made some progress, which, as I said earlier, is still progress so I'll take it.

I suppose I'm disappointed with the fact that I haven't found some magical fix. After many failed attempts, I end up where I started (proven by the old journal entry). I know this is where I'm supposed to be inspired by some quote about perseverance, but that's not going to work. I need to make an intrinsic change, and I'm not sure how to go about doing it. I know it takes baby steps, and I've been taking them, but I wish the process would speed up. I'm sick of being unhappy.

I'd like to point out that when I say I'm unhappy, I don't mean I'm miserable. I just mean I'm not happy. I'm kind of neutral on life right now. There are some really cool things happening, but at the same time I feel opportunities are flashing past me and I don't know how to take advantage of them before it's too late.

Really, it should be a very simple process. I see something I want, and I go after it. But somehow, somewhere along the lines, I lost sight of how to do that. I've grown afraid of failure (and success for that matter), of passion, of closeness. Because in my short life, I've been taught (by experiences) that those things won't get you anywhere. It doesn't matter how successful I am or how passionate I am, I continue to drive people away. And while I appreciate my own successes, it would be nice to have someone to share them with.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, and with that comes a lot of thinking. I would love to go sit on a beach with someone and discuss all sorts of things. But I'm scared. That's really what it comes down to, isn't it? I'm scared. I think a lot of people are. I wonder what would happen if I just threw my fears aside and asked the one person I wish I could talk to right now to come have a conversation with me. I'm sure that person would listen, but would that person ever be willing to come back for another conversation? Not only willing, but wanting? Would that person--does that person want to talk to me as well? I recently heard that we are only born with two fears: the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. Every other fear is learned. That implies that every other fear can be unlearned. So I guess that's what I'm working on: unlearning all my fears.

Like I said, I have lots of disjointed thoughts...

Disjointed Thoughts

Disjointed thoughts. I seem to have a lot of those. They seemingly have nothing to do with each other, but they have to be related somehow. After all, they all come from me. Anyway, I need a place for all these broken ideas. They often come at inconvenient times. I can't just call someone up and have a conversation about what's going on in my head because it's two in the morning, or during class, or some other obstacle is in the way. I also don't have the nerve to strike up a conversation, though I desperately want to have one. So, I took to blogging. This way, people can choose to read my thoughts instead of having to painfully sit through me yapping. And they can respond at their convenience. Or they can completely ignore this, which is just as well. Hopefully I get some responses though. So, prepare to be bombarded with a few posts in the very near future (probably within the hour) as I have a lot to say right now. :)